Peace after Pain
It has been 4 years and 9 months since I resigned as a campus pastor. It has taken me that long to find peace.
I have long known about the stages of grief. I have known that you can experience them in various ways and in a different order. What I never realized is that it can take a really long time to process it all.
One of my first memories as a new youth pastor was attending PALCON (Pastors Leadership Conference) in the mid-1990’s at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. The thing that stuck out so vividly to me was the enormous amount of personal pain middle aged pastors were experiencing. They were broken, bruised, and spiritually bleeding.
I remember having no concept of how a minister could come to such a place. I remember wondering how they could shepherd with that kind of wounded weight on their shoulders.
Now, I know all too well. Now, I have perspective.
I also now know the redemptive, restorative work of the Holy Spirit. No, neither my title nor credentials are restored and, since it was my choice, I am at peace with that reality. However, something more significant has happened. My heart, my spirit, my faith and my belief have been restored.
The epiphany came around this past Christmas. I was dealing with anger…poorly. Everything set me off. (Miriam is a patient wife indeed.) I confessed my anger and entered a period of prayer, fasting, meditation and reading that became a tool for the Spirit to bring me healing.
I am at peace as a son of the Most High God. I love Christ more than I ever have. While I am still trying to find my way in relationship with the Body of Christ, I am at peace knowing that the Spirit is at work in this area.
My experience at the conference was over 30 years ago. Unfortunately, it is my belief that the pain among pastors has only gotten worse. There will be another time to talk about that but for now, if that is your struggle, know that the Father has not forgotten nor abandoned you. He sees your pain. He knows your pain. He identifies with your pain. He wants to heal you.
So let me offer you this prayer…
Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe, who invites us this day by the power of the Holy Spirit to live in fellowship with the resurrected Messiah. We offer up to you our scars, our wounds, our pain and our sorrow. While we do not know if you will choose to heal us as you did the man born blind or simply give us the strength to endure, I know that you love me and are more than able to do all things good in my life. Father, I belong to you and I love you.